NAME THAT DICK
The jury is still out on whether or not all men give nicknames to their dicks. But I did a quick survey over the office’s water cooler and found out that a good number of men do name their dicks. Some of us may wonder, “Why?”
So far, the best answer I’ve heard is this: “Men name their dicks because they don’t want to let a complete stranger make major decisions for them.” Now, whoever first uttered this statement deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature or at least a complimentary meal at Scott Burger. I spent some time trying to find out the said genius’ name but Google failed me this time around.
Anyway, the water cooler revelations had me wondering about how men assign monikers to their dicks. I figured there had to be some science involved in such a momentous undertaking.
I mean, nowadays, I don’t think men simply name their dicks, Junior or Juan. Most Filipino males are notorious for their lack of imagination…but, heck, it’s already 2007. It’s safe to assume that the average Pinoy man has evolved a bit…at least in terms of choosing dick names.
However, names like Godzilla, Mike (as a reference to a microphone), Superman, and General aren’t exactly proofs of evolution. My water cooler subjects were grown and presumably educated men but their inner children were running the show. Then again, all men are like that. These testosterone-based creatures need all the help they can get in naming their dicks.
In my opinion, men ought to take the task of naming their dicks very, very seriously. If screwing is indeed men’s de facto “business,” then their dicks are their main assets in sexual commerce. Dicks are their tools of trade. The success or failure of their businesses depends on how their dicks are perceived. And perception starts with a killer dick name.
Thus, I have appropriated an article from Nolo, an online site tackling legalese. The article, “Choosing a Business Name,” was very helpful in my quest to formulate a guideline to naming dicks.
So, guys, read and learn. Keep these rules in mind when you decide to name your dicks or when you decide to change your crappy dick names:
1. The best dick name depends on a host of considerations—some as obvious as the kind of fucker you are. Pick a dick name that suggests the carnal pleasures you offer. If that’s the case, it’s not a good idea to call your dick, “Speedy” or “The Flash.” To effectively advertise your bed skills without seeming too obvious, you might want to name your dick, “Bunny.” Hopefully, you’ll be with a woman who’s smart enough to get the reference to the Energizer Bunny. However, if you’re with a woman who doesn’t even know the proper title of our national anthem, just tell her that your dick’s name is “Jojo.”
2. Choose a dick name that’s relatively short. Naming your dick “Charles, Prince of Wales,” “President Bill Clinton,” or “Manny ‘Pacman’ Pacquiao” is not a good idea. Like domesticated animals, dicks respond well to names with a maximum of three syllables. Only highly-evolved dicks are able to respond to names with more than three syllables. Therefore, I suggest names like “Ferdinand,” “Joseph,” and “Edgardo.” But employ common sense in choosing names. Obviously, you can’t name your dick “Joker.”
3. It’s fairly okay to name your dick after food groups or food products—provided that it’s the right sort of edible stuff. It goes without saying that you can’t name your dick “Balut,” “Vetsin,” or “Cheese.” The best way to go is to name your dick after chocolate bars. “Snickers,” “Milky Way,” and “Toblerone” are good dick names. Certain hamburger names like “Big Mac” and “Whopper” also work. In fact, if you’re confident that your “package” can live up to its name, go ahead and call your dick “Happy Meal.”
4. Distinguish your dick from its competitors with a tagline. Go for a tagline that’s realistic and enticing. Resist the urge to steal taglines like “Billions and billions served,” “Finger-lickin’ good, “and “Powered by 15 years of experience.” Go for humorous taglines with potentially-naughty subliminal claims like “What you see is what you get,” “Try me,” and “Built to last.”
5. Even if you change partners, don’t change your dick name. It’s important for you to commit to a dick name even if you can’t commit to one woman. Women come and go but your dick is attached to you forever. Be kind to it and give it the respect it deserves. Think hard before you name your “real best friend.” And, yes, naming your dicks after guns or obvious phallic symbols is passé. Then again, the names “Baby Armalite” and “Mongol” have their charm.
Keep in mind, though, that there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for picking a great dick name. It’s all up to you. I’m sure your dick will let you know if it wants another name. It’ll probably refuse to perform if you give it a genuinely bad name like “Sperminator.”
So far, the best answer I’ve heard is this: “Men name their dicks because they don’t want to let a complete stranger make major decisions for them.” Now, whoever first uttered this statement deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature or at least a complimentary meal at Scott Burger. I spent some time trying to find out the said genius’ name but Google failed me this time around.
Anyway, the water cooler revelations had me wondering about how men assign monikers to their dicks. I figured there had to be some science involved in such a momentous undertaking.
I mean, nowadays, I don’t think men simply name their dicks, Junior or Juan. Most Filipino males are notorious for their lack of imagination…but, heck, it’s already 2007. It’s safe to assume that the average Pinoy man has evolved a bit…at least in terms of choosing dick names.
However, names like Godzilla, Mike (as a reference to a microphone), Superman, and General aren’t exactly proofs of evolution. My water cooler subjects were grown and presumably educated men but their inner children were running the show. Then again, all men are like that. These testosterone-based creatures need all the help they can get in naming their dicks.
In my opinion, men ought to take the task of naming their dicks very, very seriously. If screwing is indeed men’s de facto “business,” then their dicks are their main assets in sexual commerce. Dicks are their tools of trade. The success or failure of their businesses depends on how their dicks are perceived. And perception starts with a killer dick name.
Thus, I have appropriated an article from Nolo, an online site tackling legalese. The article, “Choosing a Business Name,” was very helpful in my quest to formulate a guideline to naming dicks.
So, guys, read and learn. Keep these rules in mind when you decide to name your dicks or when you decide to change your crappy dick names:
1. The best dick name depends on a host of considerations—some as obvious as the kind of fucker you are. Pick a dick name that suggests the carnal pleasures you offer. If that’s the case, it’s not a good idea to call your dick, “Speedy” or “The Flash.” To effectively advertise your bed skills without seeming too obvious, you might want to name your dick, “Bunny.” Hopefully, you’ll be with a woman who’s smart enough to get the reference to the Energizer Bunny. However, if you’re with a woman who doesn’t even know the proper title of our national anthem, just tell her that your dick’s name is “Jojo.”
2. Choose a dick name that’s relatively short. Naming your dick “Charles, Prince of Wales,” “President Bill Clinton,” or “Manny ‘Pacman’ Pacquiao” is not a good idea. Like domesticated animals, dicks respond well to names with a maximum of three syllables. Only highly-evolved dicks are able to respond to names with more than three syllables. Therefore, I suggest names like “Ferdinand,” “Joseph,” and “Edgardo.” But employ common sense in choosing names. Obviously, you can’t name your dick “Joker.”
3. It’s fairly okay to name your dick after food groups or food products—provided that it’s the right sort of edible stuff. It goes without saying that you can’t name your dick “Balut,” “Vetsin,” or “Cheese.” The best way to go is to name your dick after chocolate bars. “Snickers,” “Milky Way,” and “Toblerone” are good dick names. Certain hamburger names like “Big Mac” and “Whopper” also work. In fact, if you’re confident that your “package” can live up to its name, go ahead and call your dick “Happy Meal.”
4. Distinguish your dick from its competitors with a tagline. Go for a tagline that’s realistic and enticing. Resist the urge to steal taglines like “Billions and billions served,” “Finger-lickin’ good, “and “Powered by 15 years of experience.” Go for humorous taglines with potentially-naughty subliminal claims like “What you see is what you get,” “Try me,” and “Built to last.”
5. Even if you change partners, don’t change your dick name. It’s important for you to commit to a dick name even if you can’t commit to one woman. Women come and go but your dick is attached to you forever. Be kind to it and give it the respect it deserves. Think hard before you name your “real best friend.” And, yes, naming your dicks after guns or obvious phallic symbols is passé. Then again, the names “Baby Armalite” and “Mongol” have their charm.
Keep in mind, though, that there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for picking a great dick name. It’s all up to you. I’m sure your dick will let you know if it wants another name. It’ll probably refuse to perform if you give it a genuinely bad name like “Sperminator.”
