NAME THAT DICK

The jury is still out on whether or not all men give nicknames to their dicks. But I did a quick survey over the office’s water cooler and found out that a good number of men do name their dicks. Some of us may wonder, “Why?”

So far, the best answer I’ve heard is this: “Men name their dicks because they don’t want to let a complete stranger make major decisions for them.” Now, whoever first uttered this statement deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature or at least a complimentary meal at Scott Burger. I spent some time trying to find out the said genius’ name but Google failed me this time around.

Anyway, the water cooler revelations had me wondering about how men assign monikers to their dicks. I figured there had to be some science involved in such a momentous undertaking.

I mean, nowadays, I don’t think men simply name their dicks, Junior or Juan. Most Filipino males are notorious for their lack of imagination…but, heck, it’s already 2007. It’s safe to assume that the average Pinoy man has evolved a bit…at least in terms of choosing dick names.

However, names like Godzilla, Mike (as a reference to a microphone), Superman, and General aren’t exactly proofs of evolution. My water cooler subjects were grown and presumably educated men but their inner children were running the show. Then again, all men are like that. These testosterone-based creatures need all the help they can get in naming their dicks.

In my opinion, men ought to take the task of naming their dicks very, very seriously. If screwing is indeed men’s de facto “business,” then their dicks are their main assets in sexual commerce. Dicks are their tools of trade. The success or failure of their businesses depends on how their dicks are perceived. And perception starts with a killer dick name.

Thus, I have appropriated an article from Nolo, an online site tackling legalese. The article, “Choosing a Business Name,” was very helpful in my quest to formulate a guideline to naming dicks.

So, guys, read and learn. Keep these rules in mind when you decide to name your dicks or when you decide to change your crappy dick names:

1. The best dick name depends on a host of considerations—some as obvious as the kind of fucker you are. Pick a dick name that suggests the carnal pleasures you offer. If that’s the case, it’s not a good idea to call your dick, “Speedy” or “The Flash.” To effectively advertise your bed skills without seeming too obvious, you might want to name your dick, “Bunny.” Hopefully, you’ll be with a woman who’s smart enough to get the reference to the Energizer Bunny. However, if you’re with a woman who doesn’t even know the proper title of our national anthem, just tell her that your dick’s name is “Jojo.”

2. Choose a dick name that’s relatively short. Naming your dick “Charles, Prince of Wales,” “President Bill Clinton,” or “Manny ‘Pacman’ Pacquiao” is not a good idea. Like domesticated animals, dicks respond well to names with a maximum of three syllables. Only highly-evolved dicks are able to respond to names with more than three syllables. Therefore, I suggest names like “Ferdinand,” “Joseph,” and “Edgardo.” But employ common sense in choosing names. Obviously, you can’t name your dick “Joker.”

3. It’s fairly okay to name your dick after food groups or food products—provided that it’s the right sort of edible stuff. It goes without saying that you can’t name your dick “Balut,” “Vetsin,” or “Cheese.” The best way to go is to name your dick after chocolate bars. “Snickers,” “Milky Way,” and “Toblerone” are good dick names. Certain hamburger names like “Big Mac” and “Whopper” also work. In fact, if you’re confident that your “package” can live up to its name, go ahead and call your dick “Happy Meal.”

4. Distinguish your dick from its competitors with a tagline. Go for a tagline that’s realistic and enticing. Resist the urge to steal taglines like “Billions and billions served,” “Finger-lickin’ good, “and “Powered by 15 years of experience.” Go for humorous taglines with potentially-naughty subliminal claims like “What you see is what you get,” “Try me,” and “Built to last.”

5. Even if you change partners, don’t change your dick name. It’s important for you to commit to a dick name even if you can’t commit to one woman. Women come and go but your dick is attached to you forever. Be kind to it and give it the respect it deserves. Think hard before you name your “real best friend.” And, yes, naming your dicks after guns or obvious phallic symbols is passé. Then again, the names “Baby Armalite” and “Mongol” have their charm.

Keep in mind, though, that there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for picking a great dick name. It’s all up to you. I’m sure your dick will let you know if it wants another name. It’ll probably refuse to perform if you give it a genuinely bad name like “Sperminator.”

A LOOK AT A DIRTY BOOK

Alina Reyes' Behind Closed Doors, hailed as a best seller in France, is an interactive dirty book that literally comes in two parts. One side of the choose-your-own-erotic-encounter tale can play out from a woman's point of view or from a man's. All you have to do is flip the book to choose which gender you want to be. As a woman, you get to do the nasty with Batman, a posse of hot firemen, and just about every sort of sexual partner possible. It's the same thing if you want to be a man. Anything goes. (That's both a warning and a come-on.)

Amazingly enough, I found a copy of this book at National Bookstore one fine Saturday afternoon in 1998. Or thereabouts. I have since given away my copy because, back then, I had such an extensive porn literature collection that I feared I could not justify to my future self. Alas, I still think about this book on rainy afternoons.

ANIMAL ATTRACTION

I’ve always wondered how the expression, “Hayop ka!” (“You’re an animal!”), came about.

In Tagalog movies, “Hayop ka!” is usually uttered by the supposed victim when a villain has just done something disgusting such as toss a baby out of the window. But—under more disturbing circumstances—the expression is screeched out by the damsels-in-distress (preferably clad in see-through kamisetas) during abnormally prolonged rape scenes. Ironically, a sex kitten being serviced by a celluloid stud also gives out the “Hayop ka!” spiel.

What gives? Is “Hayop ka!” a joyful or sorrowful turn-of-phrase? Or is it simply a universal dialogue-filler akin to how Laguna Beach’s denizens use the word “like” to string their words together? (Example: “You know I’m so…like…not really…like…into…like…thinking hard…like…Einstein.”)

Fortunately, we are not cursed by the said speech impediment. “Hayop ka!” delves much deeper into our consciousness. I’d like to think that it’s but another indication of the delightfully screwed-up Filipino psyche.

I can only speculate that our use of “Hayop Ka!” is due to our ambiguous sentiments about being compared to the so-called lower life forms. There are both negative and positive connotations associated with “Hayop ka!” There are instances where being compared to an animal is humiliating and there are other times when it’s actually pretty flattering.

As pompous Homo sapiens, we’re genetically predisposed to underestimate all the other members of the animal kingdom who can’t and won’t ever own mobile phones. We vehemently reject the argument that we’re just another “family” in the animal kingdom. As such, we try so hard to set ourselves apart from other life forms.

Case in point: we wear clothes when every other animal can go around naked. Another case in point: we can’t just shamelessly pee on bushes or car tires like canines and felines. Yet another case in point: we don’t want to “smell” and so we douse ourselves in perfume when a fish can smell “fishy” and not be the object of ridicule.

This is why we say “Hayop ka!” whenever somebody does something stupid or distasteful. It’s undoubtedly bad news when, for instance, you confess, “Honey, I think I forgot to pay the electric bill” and your significant other says, “Hayop ka!” right before he or she pulls out your wisdom tooth with a pair of rusty pliers.

For a more vivid animal-specific example, a man or woman who emits an odorous burp in the middle of a meal is told, “Ang baboy mo!” (“You are such a pig!”) The same comment is directed at anyone who lives in a filthy apartment or anyone who gets aroused by the sight of Gummi Bears stuck in suggestive positions.

Then again, there is indeed an instance wherein being compared to a pig isn’t so bad. The said positive comparison pertains to sexual behavior. And, as we all know, sex is a big deal for us humans. Thus, we should do well to emulate the sexual behavior of pigs.

First off, pigs don’t need meaningful conversations or romantic dinners to get turned on. They just have fantastic animal sex. It’s all because of their enhanced porcine anatomy. A.F. Fraser, in the book Reproductive Behavior in Ungulates, explains: “The male pig, when mounted, makes thrusting actions with the penis, which repeatedly makes semi-rotary actions. Only when its spiral glans penis (corkscrew-shaped penis) becomes lodged tightly in the firm folds of the female pig’s cervix does the action stop and ejaculation commence. The locking of the penis in the cervix acts as the essential stimulus to ejaculation in the boar.”

As the male pig has a corkscrew-shaped penis, the female pig has a corkscrew-shaped cervix. Evidently, when God gave out the gift of sexual prowess to his wonderful creatures, pigs weren’t shy in asking Him for a good reason to “Oink!” I can imagine them saying in pig-speak: “It’s okay if we get butchered by humans as long as we have heavenly sex lives.”

The enhanced porcine genitals do serve their purpose. Pigs are said to have 30-minute orgasms. The pigs’ fail-safe screwing scheme guarantees that both parties—male and female pig—are satisfied. In the cruel world that we humans move in, that’s like winning the lottery twice in a row. Though a lot people think they’re good in bed, very few can actually put their dick or pussy where their mouth is. So far, no study has been made on sexually-dissatisfied pigs—or any other animal for that matter. Obviously, non-human creatures are much better at screwing than we are.

If human sex is as wonderfully exhausting as pig sex, who has time to ask, “So, what happens next?” At the very least, such mushy questions will be put off for a long while.

Now, since humans are not equipped with such awe-inspiring genitals, we should all just think like pigs whenever we’re in bed. In short, let’s transform “Hayop ka!” from a rhetorical declaration to a more forceful directive: “Magpakahayop ka!” (“Be an animal!” or “Make like an animal!”)

Take note that the animal allusion shouldn’t be limited to pigs. Other animals also have equally fun-filled, fuss-free, and mind-blowing sex. Rabbits do it 15 times in an hour. Lions can get it on 60 times a day. Dogs can teach us the finer points of the “doggy style.” Snakes can show us how to have sleazy sex the proper way. Turtles prove to us that it’s possible to get romantic even with seemingly impossible outfits. And so on. Every animal group has something to offer.

So, from now on, whenever someone tells you, “Hayop ka!,” ask them to be more specific. Hopefully, they’ll call you a pig for all the right reasons. Act like an animal only when it counts or, more importantly, only when it brings you or someone else great pleasure. In that instance, “Hayop ka!” will be the best compliment you’ll get.