ANIMAL ATTRACTION
I’ve always wondered how the expression, “Hayop ka!” (“You’re an animal!”), came about.
In Tagalog movies, “Hayop ka!” is usually uttered by the supposed victim when a villain has just done something disgusting such as toss a baby out of the window. But—under more disturbing circumstances—the expression is screeched out by the damsels-in-distress (preferably clad in see-through kamisetas) during abnormally prolonged rape scenes. Ironically, a sex kitten being serviced by a celluloid stud also gives out the “Hayop ka!” spiel.
What gives? Is “Hayop ka!” a joyful or sorrowful turn-of-phrase? Or is it simply a universal dialogue-filler akin to how Laguna Beach’s denizens use the word “like” to string their words together? (Example: “You know I’m so…like…not really…like…into…like…thinking hard…like…Einstein.”)
Fortunately, we are not cursed by the said speech impediment. “Hayop ka!” delves much deeper into our consciousness. I’d like to think that it’s but another indication of the delightfully screwed-up Filipino psyche.
I can only speculate that our use of “Hayop Ka!” is due to our ambiguous sentiments about being compared to the so-called lower life forms. There are both negative and positive connotations associated with “Hayop ka!” There are instances where being compared to an animal is humiliating and there are other times when it’s actually pretty flattering.
As pompous Homo sapiens, we’re genetically predisposed to underestimate all the other members of the animal kingdom who can’t and won’t ever own mobile phones. We vehemently reject the argument that we’re just another “family” in the animal kingdom. As such, we try so hard to set ourselves apart from other life forms.
Case in point: we wear clothes when every other animal can go around naked. Another case in point: we can’t just shamelessly pee on bushes or car tires like canines and felines. Yet another case in point: we don’t want to “smell” and so we douse ourselves in perfume when a fish can smell “fishy” and not be the object of ridicule.
This is why we say “Hayop ka!” whenever somebody does something stupid or distasteful. It’s undoubtedly bad news when, for instance, you confess, “Honey, I think I forgot to pay the electric bill” and your significant other says, “Hayop ka!” right before he or she pulls out your wisdom tooth with a pair of rusty pliers.
For a more vivid animal-specific example, a man or woman who emits an odorous burp in the middle of a meal is told, “Ang baboy mo!” (“You are such a pig!”) The same comment is directed at anyone who lives in a filthy apartment or anyone who gets aroused by the sight of Gummi Bears stuck in suggestive positions.
Then again, there is indeed an instance wherein being compared to a pig isn’t so bad. The said positive comparison pertains to sexual behavior. And, as we all know, sex is a big deal for us humans. Thus, we should do well to emulate the sexual behavior of pigs.
First off, pigs don’t need meaningful conversations or romantic dinners to get turned on. They just have fantastic animal sex. It’s all because of their enhanced porcine anatomy. A.F. Fraser, in the book Reproductive Behavior in Ungulates, explains: “The male pig, when mounted, makes thrusting actions with the penis, which repeatedly makes semi-rotary actions. Only when its spiral glans penis (corkscrew-shaped penis) becomes lodged tightly in the firm folds of the female pig’s cervix does the action stop and ejaculation commence. The locking of the penis in the cervix acts as the essential stimulus to ejaculation in the boar.”
As the male pig has a corkscrew-shaped penis, the female pig has a corkscrew-shaped cervix. Evidently, when God gave out the gift of sexual prowess to his wonderful creatures, pigs weren’t shy in asking Him for a good reason to “Oink!” I can imagine them saying in pig-speak: “It’s okay if we get butchered by humans as long as we have heavenly sex lives.”
The enhanced porcine genitals do serve their purpose. Pigs are said to have 30-minute orgasms. The pigs’ fail-safe screwing scheme guarantees that both parties—male and female pig—are satisfied. In the cruel world that we humans move in, that’s like winning the lottery twice in a row. Though a lot people think they’re good in bed, very few can actually put their dick or pussy where their mouth is. So far, no study has been made on sexually-dissatisfied pigs—or any other animal for that matter. Obviously, non-human creatures are much better at screwing than we are.
If human sex is as wonderfully exhausting as pig sex, who has time to ask, “So, what happens next?” At the very least, such mushy questions will be put off for a long while.
Now, since humans are not equipped with such awe-inspiring genitals, we should all just think like pigs whenever we’re in bed. In short, let’s transform “Hayop ka!” from a rhetorical declaration to a more forceful directive: “Magpakahayop ka!” (“Be an animal!” or “Make like an animal!”)
Take note that the animal allusion shouldn’t be limited to pigs. Other animals also have equally fun-filled, fuss-free, and mind-blowing sex. Rabbits do it 15 times in an hour. Lions can get it on 60 times a day. Dogs can teach us the finer points of the “doggy style.” Snakes can show us how to have sleazy sex the proper way. Turtles prove to us that it’s possible to get romantic even with seemingly impossible outfits. And so on. Every animal group has something to offer.
So, from now on, whenever someone tells you, “Hayop ka!,” ask them to be more specific. Hopefully, they’ll call you a pig for all the right reasons. Act like an animal only when it counts or, more importantly, only when it brings you or someone else great pleasure. In that instance, “Hayop ka!” will be the best compliment you’ll get.
In Tagalog movies, “Hayop ka!” is usually uttered by the supposed victim when a villain has just done something disgusting such as toss a baby out of the window. But—under more disturbing circumstances—the expression is screeched out by the damsels-in-distress (preferably clad in see-through kamisetas) during abnormally prolonged rape scenes. Ironically, a sex kitten being serviced by a celluloid stud also gives out the “Hayop ka!” spiel.
What gives? Is “Hayop ka!” a joyful or sorrowful turn-of-phrase? Or is it simply a universal dialogue-filler akin to how Laguna Beach’s denizens use the word “like” to string their words together? (Example: “You know I’m so…like…not really…like…into…like…thinking hard…like…Einstein.”)
Fortunately, we are not cursed by the said speech impediment. “Hayop ka!” delves much deeper into our consciousness. I’d like to think that it’s but another indication of the delightfully screwed-up Filipino psyche.
I can only speculate that our use of “Hayop Ka!” is due to our ambiguous sentiments about being compared to the so-called lower life forms. There are both negative and positive connotations associated with “Hayop ka!” There are instances where being compared to an animal is humiliating and there are other times when it’s actually pretty flattering.
As pompous Homo sapiens, we’re genetically predisposed to underestimate all the other members of the animal kingdom who can’t and won’t ever own mobile phones. We vehemently reject the argument that we’re just another “family” in the animal kingdom. As such, we try so hard to set ourselves apart from other life forms.
Case in point: we wear clothes when every other animal can go around naked. Another case in point: we can’t just shamelessly pee on bushes or car tires like canines and felines. Yet another case in point: we don’t want to “smell” and so we douse ourselves in perfume when a fish can smell “fishy” and not be the object of ridicule.
This is why we say “Hayop ka!” whenever somebody does something stupid or distasteful. It’s undoubtedly bad news when, for instance, you confess, “Honey, I think I forgot to pay the electric bill” and your significant other says, “Hayop ka!” right before he or she pulls out your wisdom tooth with a pair of rusty pliers.
For a more vivid animal-specific example, a man or woman who emits an odorous burp in the middle of a meal is told, “Ang baboy mo!” (“You are such a pig!”) The same comment is directed at anyone who lives in a filthy apartment or anyone who gets aroused by the sight of Gummi Bears stuck in suggestive positions.
Then again, there is indeed an instance wherein being compared to a pig isn’t so bad. The said positive comparison pertains to sexual behavior. And, as we all know, sex is a big deal for us humans. Thus, we should do well to emulate the sexual behavior of pigs.
First off, pigs don’t need meaningful conversations or romantic dinners to get turned on. They just have fantastic animal sex. It’s all because of their enhanced porcine anatomy. A.F. Fraser, in the book Reproductive Behavior in Ungulates, explains: “The male pig, when mounted, makes thrusting actions with the penis, which repeatedly makes semi-rotary actions. Only when its spiral glans penis (corkscrew-shaped penis) becomes lodged tightly in the firm folds of the female pig’s cervix does the action stop and ejaculation commence. The locking of the penis in the cervix acts as the essential stimulus to ejaculation in the boar.”
As the male pig has a corkscrew-shaped penis, the female pig has a corkscrew-shaped cervix. Evidently, when God gave out the gift of sexual prowess to his wonderful creatures, pigs weren’t shy in asking Him for a good reason to “Oink!” I can imagine them saying in pig-speak: “It’s okay if we get butchered by humans as long as we have heavenly sex lives.”
The enhanced porcine genitals do serve their purpose. Pigs are said to have 30-minute orgasms. The pigs’ fail-safe screwing scheme guarantees that both parties—male and female pig—are satisfied. In the cruel world that we humans move in, that’s like winning the lottery twice in a row. Though a lot people think they’re good in bed, very few can actually put their dick or pussy where their mouth is. So far, no study has been made on sexually-dissatisfied pigs—or any other animal for that matter. Obviously, non-human creatures are much better at screwing than we are.
If human sex is as wonderfully exhausting as pig sex, who has time to ask, “So, what happens next?” At the very least, such mushy questions will be put off for a long while.
Now, since humans are not equipped with such awe-inspiring genitals, we should all just think like pigs whenever we’re in bed. In short, let’s transform “Hayop ka!” from a rhetorical declaration to a more forceful directive: “Magpakahayop ka!” (“Be an animal!” or “Make like an animal!”)
Take note that the animal allusion shouldn’t be limited to pigs. Other animals also have equally fun-filled, fuss-free, and mind-blowing sex. Rabbits do it 15 times in an hour. Lions can get it on 60 times a day. Dogs can teach us the finer points of the “doggy style.” Snakes can show us how to have sleazy sex the proper way. Turtles prove to us that it’s possible to get romantic even with seemingly impossible outfits. And so on. Every animal group has something to offer.
So, from now on, whenever someone tells you, “Hayop ka!,” ask them to be more specific. Hopefully, they’ll call you a pig for all the right reasons. Act like an animal only when it counts or, more importantly, only when it brings you or someone else great pleasure. In that instance, “Hayop ka!” will be the best compliment you’ll get.
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